I went to see Battle: Los Angeles last Friday. I felt a compelling urge to talk about the film, but since nobody wanted to talk about it with me, I was compelled to have a discussion about it with myself.
Here now, for you, my 10 Thoughts on Battle: Los Angeles.
The Movie, In a Nutshell, In Haiku Form
Meteors fall down
Into cool ocean waters
Monsters in disguise
Brave Marines Patrol
Things quickly go all to hell
Oh no, they have jets
Must save trapped people
Must get back to forward base
Must destroy main ship
Movie makes no sense
But it's summer flick, who cares
Wait, what? It's just March?
What Do You Think, Tim?
Not good, not terrible. This movie lives in the Limbo of super okay moviegoing experiences. B:LA (as the kids are calling it) is like a C student who occasionally brings home a B.
I'd say the biggest issue is that the film goes out of its way to make me not care about anything in it. The aliens say nothing and spend most of the movie out of focus. At one point the Marines capture an alien and take it prisoner. But instead of trying to communicate or anything Spielbergian like that, the Marines instead must figure out which part of the alien they can stab with a knife to get an instant kill so they know which body part to focus their shooting.
Charming.
Soooo if we can't get to know the aliens, at least we can learn something about the humans wearing the uniform right? Nah, not really. They all get exactly one scene apiece and the information we learn about them isn't anything special or relevant. One guy's getting married, but we don't ever see his fiance again after that one scene so who gives a shit. One guy's got a baby coming, but we don't ever see his wife again so who gives a shit. One guy's got PTSD but it's not like has an effect on the movie in any way. The movie takes great pains to establish these backstories that ultimately fail to pay off at all. So why even bother?
I think this movie is best summed up in a very emotional scene near the end where one of the Marines gets mad at Aaron Eckhart's character for getting his brother killed in a mission a year prior. And Aaron Eckhart unhinges his mighty jaw and tells us that he actually DOES care about the men he's lost in battle, dammit. And he lets us know this by listing these people's names, ranks, and serial numbers while allllll the Marines in the movie get misty eyed. These names belong to characters we've never seen and the numbers mean nothing nothing. And yet Aaron Eckhart rattles off these numbers as if it actually says something about the men who used to possess those numbers. The humans in this movie are just as unknowable as the faceless aliens they've been shooting at for the past hour and eternity.
But whatever. There's explosions and plenty of family-friendly PG-13 violence to shut everyone up for two hours. Just sit back and enjoy the feeling this movie leaves in your brain as it enters one ear and slips on through to the other.
Terrible Ideas Away!
SPOILERS
At the end of the movie, the marines figure out a way to destroy the mothership and retake air superiority over Los Angeles. The last shot is of the helicopters returning to the city in an effort to retake Los Angeles from the aliens. It's supposed to be uplifting and inspirational but I was very concerned with what comes next.
Nobody ever makes a movie about the cleanup after an Alien Disaster. Actually, I don't think there are really any movies about cleanups of any sort. Creating the mess is always fun, but I think we just have some sort of deeply engrained aversion to any sort of repair effort.
I'm wracking my brain right now trying to think of movies that feature someone in the cleanup line of work. Good Will Hunting stars a janitor, but he gets fired from that job like immediately.
Maybe take it in a different direction. There's just been an alien invasion and the entire city of Los Angeles is a mess. She's the mayor's deputy, the highest surviving government official left in the city and he's a hired contractor, charged with cleaning up the streets. Kind of a blue collar meets white collar romantic comedy sort of thing.
Or maybe some sort of “Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey” approach. Family leaves dog behind as they flee the city, dog manages to break free and finds a lone alien child left behind in the devastation. Then the two of them journey across the ruined Los Angeles to find their families. What's that? No, I don't know why an alien child was taken along in the invasion force. That's not the point. What IS the point is that the aliens can communicate with dogs telepathically, so the dog can totally be voiced by Michael Cera.
Cpt. Killjoy Reporting For Duty!
I saw Independence Day when I was 13 years old. 13 years old is a veeeeery dangerous age. You're still young enough to be a stupid kid, but you have JUST enough critical thinking skills to be a danger to yourself.
So I spent a lot of time worrying about the possibility of an alien invasion for reals. If Aliens did show up, where would I go? What would I do? Could President Clinton be trusted to make the same gutsy calls as Bill Pullman? Also, the aliens always seemed to target cities I wanted to live in when I grew up. Should I just stay in St. Louis to be safe because nobody would bother going there first when Chicago is like, just six hours away? Also, even if we do manage to repell that first wave, what happens on July 5? Are the aliens just going to go away? And even if they do, what would happen to the world that's just seen its major population centers destroyed utterly? Would roving bandits rule the post-apocalyptic countryside in the wake of the military-led power struggle for control of an America without a central government (minus Bill Pullman)?
I look back at that child and I want to console him, let him know that everything is going to be okay and to not worry. But most of all, I want to tell him not to be such a frigging idiot.
After doing a little research/critical thinking, I am sad to report that conquering Earth is probably a huge waste of time for any alien race actually capable of shlepping out here to this corner of the galaxy. Let's say you want water. Well, the Earth's been around for something like 4.5 billion years. 4.5 Billion years with that suuuuuuper vaaaaaluable H2O just sitting there going to waste on the surface. Just ripe for the taking. But what about those pesky humans? Surely they would defend the water.
Well, yeah, but we've only been around for something like 50,000 years. That sounds like a lot. But in the entire span of Earth's life, that's only .00001 percent of the time. That's like saying the Earth totally hired a security guard but that security guard only showed up for the last second of the day sooo... we're totally covered.
Also, most of those 50k years were rubbish. If you take the aliens in Battle: Los Ageles and pit them against, say, your average cave man, the cave men aren't gonna last very long. Let's assume that you at least need a basic repeating rifle to ward off an alien invader. We didn't even start dabbling in that kind of baaaasic weaponry until the AD 1600s.
So the human race has only been “ready” to ward off an alien invasion for something like 400 years. This means that aliens, if they so desperately needed water from planet Earth, had something like, oh say, 4,499,999,600 years to steal it from the various protazoa, dinosaurs, primitive ape men, and Spartans who were its only defenders during that astronomically long period of time. Buuut they didn't. Why not?
It COULD be because there's something like 500 million “habitable” planets in our galaxy. Oh and there's something like 100 BILLION galaxies in the universe. If you're a roving galactic race looking down at a planet with a civilization that even has a REMOTE chance of putting up a fight over its precious precious water (a chemical formed by combining the two most common elements in all the known universe, btw) why would you even bother drawing up the plans to slowly conquer Planet Earth?
In my mind, there's really only two options:
Complete and instant annihilation. The Alien Death Star rolls up to a safe distance near our moon and at least a solid 3 days from any sort of counterattack on our part and burns our atmosphere instantly, killing every living thing on our surface before we even had a chance to say “oh look at the pretty colors in the sky.”
Fucking off to one of the other 500 million planets in the galaxy. Preferably one that is only home to a roving band of delicious space cows and not Jeff Goldblum and his magic laptop or Aaron Eckhart and his magical determined glare.
If there is even the slightest chance that one of the primitive ape people on the planet below could blow up the mothership, it totally isn't worth it given the other better options out there.
Now, if we're going up against the Predators, that would be an issue. They don't need resources, they just like killing things that run away from them. Odds are, if someone wants to go through the trouble and effort to invade our planet, it's because they are either total sadists like the Predators or we did something very specific to piss them off.
Did Someone Call A Doctor? A DELETED SCENE
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
NANTZ and the civilians raid the abandoned store for supplies. Water, energy bars, ammunition, etc. SANTOS approaches him hurriedly.
SANTOS
Sir! You're gonna wanna see this.
NANTZ clearly doesn't want to see this, but fuck it, we're already moving on to-
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE ROOF – DAY
Alien warships zoom overhead. SANTOS leads NANTZ to the edge of the roof and hands him a pair of binoculars.
NANTZ
What am I looking for?
SANTOS
Over there, by that palm tree, because we're clearly
in Los Angeles and not Louisiana.
NANTZ scans the devastation and finds a small group of ALIEN WARRIORS huddled around a human prisoner. He's a young man with black hair in a blazer and bow tie. He gestures around nervously and shaking his finger in a scolding manner at the aliens.
NANTZ
Where did he come from?
SANTOS
I don't know, sir. I think he is mentally ill.
NANTZ watches as the young man paces around the aliens, continuing to rant and point angrily. The aliens, tired of his nonsense, pull out a LARGE LASER CANNON WITH LEGS.
NANTZ
Dammit, that idiot is going to get us all killed!
The young man, unconcerned with his impending death, pulls out a small pen and points it at the alien cannon. A small green light is emitted from the pen and the ALIEN CANNON EXPLODES IN A RAIN OF SPARKS AND FIRE!
This seems to just piss off the aliens and they proceed to chase the young man down the street into a blue police box. The aliens pound on the door, but it won't open.
NANTZ scratches his head, not sure what to make of the events unfolding below.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE ROOF – NIGHT
THE REST OF THE PLATOON has joined NANTZ and SANTOS on the roof. They've brought Deck Chairs and snacks.
SANTOS opens the door to the roof, carrying a cooler of beer which she sets down next to the Marines. Everyone is watching the strange scene below continue to unfold.
SANTOS
What'd I miss?
NANTZ
Okay, so the guy in the bow tie came out of
the box with his hands up and they took him
prisoner. A few seconds later, this young woman
in a short skirt showed up with a jar of some sort
of liquid and took off towards that power station.
There's an EXPLOSION from the power station and everyone pulls out their binoculars. Aliens run out from the area, terrified. The young man in the bow tie stalks after them, wearing a strange metal helmet with whirring dials and pulsing lights on it.
NANTZ
Oh man! Where'd he get that hat?!?
CORPORAL KEARNS looks at his watch and frowns.
KEARNS
Uh, we should really be getting to the F.O.B., sir.
NANTZ
Really? But he's got a mind control helmet now.
KEARNS gives him the weary mother look. Nantz kicks a beer bottle.
NANTZ
Fine. Whatever. Pack it up men, we're moving out.
Everyone in the platoon says “awwww” in unison and they make their way downstairs. Nantz is the last to go and takes one more look at the strange scene below. Apparently, the young man is now hotwiring one of the downed alien ships and takes off for the Alien Mothership in the distance.
Never Forget, Actors are Paid Liars
I saw an interview on The Daily Show with Aaron Eckhart whose jaw is the star of Battle: San Andreas. It was your pretty standard “I'm contractually obligated to put on a smile and shill this flick every way I can for the next three weeks” interview.
Anyway, Mr. Eckhart spent a good chunk of that interview talking about how accurate the military stuff in the film was and how they had experts consulting from the actual military (strangely, no hideous alien monster consultant was hired for this biased piece of hackery) and they went through actual actor boot camp and that he hopes the movie will accurately depict what an actual accurate alien invasion would actually accurately be like.
Nowhere in there does he say, “And all this shit was worth it because the movie's great!” This is how you can tell when an actor knows they're in a stupid movie: They grab onto some technical detail that the movie got right and cling to it like a life raft.
This movie is terrible, but at least it's historically accurate.
This movie is barely watchable, but I met my wife while filming it, so it was totally worth it.
It's a green screened nightmare which resulted in the worst performance of my career, but I spent like a year working with a personal trainer to get ready for it.
Sometimes it's the costumes and makeup. Or they'll talk about the wonderful locations. Or if the director had at one point made something that wasn't a waste of filmstock, they'll discuss what it was like working with a genius. Or something about losing weight. Actors loooove talking about their ability to alter their weights.
In this case, Aaron Eckhart consoled himself with the fact that he helped make a movie nobody'll remember in a year by being really proud of how he did the Marine Corps justice.
Foreplay in Alien Action Movies
“Hey there, moviegoer. Gosh you look great. Why don't you take a seat there in the middle aisle. Let me dim the lights for you. Did you enjoy the previews? Good. Oh look, there's the studio logo. Now how about we get you out of that dress and start shooting aliens like right the fuck now?”
“Slow down there, Cowboy!” you say, “can't we have a little, you know, character development first?”
“Fine” Battle: City of Angles huffs, “here's twenty awkward and terrible minutes introducing all of our lame little Marine characters. Are you happy now? Can we get to the shooting now?”
“So wait, why are the aliens attacking again? Water? Wouldn't they have an easier time getting it from one of Jupiter's moons? And what about--”
“Just... stop talking. You're totally ruining this for me.”
This movie wants to fuck immediately. It's got 2 hours of fun explosions planned and, let's face it, not a lot of plot so it would probably be best if they just got to shooting and the shouting as fast as humanly possible. I imagine the filmmakers think the fact that they hit the ground kinda running is a good thing. Less chat, more splat. Give the audience what they think they want. This is good if you are, say, a video game. In that case, yes, I do just want to start shooting guys immediately. I've got this controller in my hand and I'd like to participate.
But this is a movie, not Call of Duty. People who actually know how to make a good movie understand that the buildup isn't the lame shit that should be cut immediately to make room for yet another action setpiece. It's important because it gets us in the mood.
I'm reminded of “Aliens”, another movie about Marines shooting guns at pus-filled monsters from outer space. Aliens is 2 hours and 17 minutes long and is one of my favorite action movies ever. It is also crafted by James Cameron who, regardless of what you think of “Avatar”, is a rich and successful motherfucker for a good reason: the man knows what makes a great Action Movie.
So in “Aliens”, when do you think the shooting starts? 5 minutes in? 10 minutes in? Certainly not longer than a half hour right?
Try One Hour in. That's right. Almost HALF of the runtime of “Aliens” is just the foreplay. Ripley acclimating to civilian life again, Ripley having horrible nightmares, Ripley agreeing to go back to the Island...er... Alien Planet, Ripley meeting the Space Marines, The Space Marines Acting Like Hilarious Douchebags, The Space Marines checking out the dead colony, and finally The Space Marines walking into a trap and getting massacred.
The Aliens don't score their first marine kill until 1:01:48 when they grab the woman with the flamethrower and she accidentally sets her platoonmate on fire. And most importantly, since we've spent so much time fucking around, we have an emotional investment in all the characters. We hate Paul Reiser and the dickhole guy in charge of the mission. We like Ripley and Bishop and the angry chick with the enormous gun strapped to her waist. We laugh at everything that comes out of Private Hudson's mouth.
And when the time comes to start offing these characters we feel something. When Paul Reiser runs off in a weasel-like manner right into the warm embrace of a snarling alien, we're happier than usual that something bad is happening to Paul Reiser. When the angry chick with the enormous gun and the dickhole in charge of the mission resolve their differences over a grenade cocktail in the tunnel, it has weight. When Ellen Ripley tells the alien queen to “Get away from her, you bitch”, everyone the audience cheers. It's not a particularly witty or charming line, but it's memorable and stirring because of the context.
Nobody in the audience I was in cheered for Aaron Eckhart when he used his magical laser pointer to (spoiler) call in a missile strike that saved Los Angeles. When PTSD guy blew up in the tower, bravely sniping aliens to save his team, I didn't feel anything.
Ensemble Action Movies are ultimately about loss and sacrifice. If there's ten people in your cast, not all ten are going to see the end credits. We SHOULD feel something when these characters are offed.
Who Are These People?
If you held a gun to my head the morning after I saw this movie and demanded I give you one character's name, I couldn't. I mean, they had names, I'm sure of it. If I would bother to check its IMDB, I'm sure every one of the Guys in the movie has a real name.
But in my heart... the cast of this movie will always be:
Black Guy From Nigeria
Black Guy Who Hates Aaron Eckhart, but Not Enough To Ever Do Anything About It
White Virgin Guy
Dangerously Potentially Unhinged White Guy
Black Guy With Glasses
Dead meat best friend of Black Guy with Glasses
Hispanic Senior Camp Counselor With a Pregnant Wife
Asian Guy With No Backstory At All So Fuck Him
Three Screaming Children
Sweaty Dad of Screaming Kid
Not quite hot enough potential love interest lady
That One Chick Who Almost Ruined “Lost”
and Aaron Eckhart
Those aren't their real names. I don't actually remember them. Not a single one. Hell, since we don't even get to meet the aliens at all in any social capacity, I don't know their names either.
At one point, the Marines are helping the screaming children rappel down a highway overpass. Something explodes and one of the Marines flies off the edge to his death. Since the entire scene was staged by someone who has no idea of what they're doing, I wasn't aware of which character it was that died until I did a headcount some 20 minutes later.
I think it was Asian Guy. But I'm still not sure.
DUUUHHHHHH!!!
Corporal Plzglrb! Glad to see you, take a seat.
Thank you sir.
Can I get you anything? A glass of Blzzfffleb? A shot of Gorngool?
No sir. I'm just here on official business. The higher ups asked me to come down here and talk to you about your Earth Invasion plan.
Oh?
Yes. It's ah, it's a very good plan. When we first read it we all immediately squirted mucus from our happiness glands. But after thinking it over we realized, uh, a few details were problematic.
I see. What's wrong with it?
Well... where to start. Okay, what about our giant base ship things. The ones that control every single one of our unmanned attack drones in the air?
Right.
Just one good rocket and these base ships light up like a Cbristblorge Tree and then all of our planes fall to the ground. Isn't that unnecessarily risky? The ships themselves are far superior to anything the Humans have and air superiority is pretty much the key to winning the war. Why would we risk losing allllll of our air support in one fell swoop when that is, by far, our most effective weapon?
Uhh, hmmm....
And another thing, if these ships ARE necessary, why do we put them on the surface where they can be easily attacked by a single group of six marines?
Well, where would you put them?
What about high Earth orbit? There's literally no weapon the humans possess that can even get up there with anything resembling accuracy and the only humans stationed up that high are in something they laughably call the “International Space Station.”
More like the “International Space Shanty”
Good one, sir.
Realistic
I took a glance at the Wikipedia Page for this movie and scanned its production notes while writing this article. Apparently, the creators had a huge bug up their butt about making this a “realistic” alien invasion movie which makes about as much sense as trying to make a “realistic” unicorn snuff film.
I think this is an ongoing issue this entire decade has with its art. Right now, we're sort of knee deep in this whole examination into this concept of “what's real” and what's not. Reality TV. The rise of the Fake Documentary for movies that aren't “This is Spinal Tap” It's like we've taken a look at everything we've created in the past several hundred years and realized what was keeping us back was that we didn't approach our ludicrous story ideas as if it was an actual documentation of reality.
I think we have given so much of our interactions over to a virtual space (like the internet this blog lives on) that we have a subconcious desire for ANYTHING that feels real anymore. We used to have genuine interactions that required the occasional escape to fantasy. Now our lives are so artificial that we're drawn to anything that purports to be more “real”.
